My Life at 29

In my 29 years, I have had 4 best friends, one of whom I haven't completely hurt to the degree of others. 30 regular friends who've come and go. My classmates that have still held an interest in me and my adopted family spread out through a few states. One of the questions that always hits my mind, and it comes up often, Why do I hurt the ones that mean the most to me? A friend suggested that it's a fear/ withdrawl kind of thing that I do to protect them or myself....that thought has crossed my mind recently as well. As I sit here and look further into my life from the past oh let's say 13-14 years I'm stuck wondering why I am still on this earth, I should have been a statistic by the time I was 17. The years have been kind but I still have a problem dealing with guilt, things I've done both past and present. One other current question is if things are working out with others, why do I still feel numb? Is my depression to the degree that I could be "medicated" or should I go the extra mile and commit myself to be a better person or to get the "help" from professionals that I may need? Am I a danger to myself? Should I worry that my feelings may progress and finally make me a statistic? I never fully recovered from postpardum depression after I had my son. While married to him(my ex) I was formally diagnosed with Bi-Polar depression. My psychologist was speculating that it may have likely started while I was still in high school. She was never truely sure. Considering that I have been through a rough relationship that took me through different stages of mental and physical abuse. My ex and I had been Intimate when I was 16 years old. Could I then be considered a groomed product of a child molester that has expressed interest after I left him toward other women that are 7 years or more younger then him? Heck one of the rumors after we had seperated is that he was chasing an 17-18 year old........but who's really sure it was considered a rumor at best. I love who I'm with, My fiancée make me happy beyond compare, I have one of the most wonderful kids that any parent could ask for, even with him hitting the terrible two's. 

Why do I still feel like the bad guy?

Why does my mind still feel numb when I think about the past?

Why am I still here?

Questions, questions, questions....this is my life

Me thinks this is an interesting end to a lot of grief!

After considerable thought and a few sleepless nights my conscious is 100% clear. I am not the source of your problems, blaming me for your troubles is just a way out of truly dealing with them. Granted blogging helps, but it's not the greatest way to do it. I was willing to think things through before I wrote my previous blog, but aside from what you have been writing and who you've been blaming it on really got me thinking.

Not only am I your scapegoat but I am also your hop-to buddy when it comes to being miserable. How many times have I helped you and never been paid back, or the things that you've borrowed and never returned? That lavender dress I let you borrow for your grandmothers wake? I have asked for the thing back for quite a few months now. That dress still fits me well and I would like it back. I'm sorry about her passing and about your uncle, I read the obit while you were taking your current break and couldn't send my condolences because you didn't want to talk to me.... All in all I wish you a better recovery from it, sans me, and I would like my things back please, minus the peanut butter that my father graciously gave you out of the goodness of HIS heart. I know that I've said don't worry about it on the small things and I'm still holding true to that but the dress you borrowed, I think got left behind with everything else, is what really gets me thinking, who's stepping on who? I lent you that with the idea that it would be returned. Please mail it to me or have your mom drop it off at my place, you have the address I know you do, just like you might still have my phone number. Heck if that's the case...... text me for the address and then you can mail it to me.

 FYI you only ever called once, and the reason I didn't answer was because I was driving at the time going to pick up my son, didn't want a ticket you know. The reason I never called you back is because you didn't sound like you wanted to talk to me when you left the message hence why I never bothered to call you back. You never sent me a text that I ever received, I'm not sure if James intercepted it, but I asked him about it while I read your one rant, he said never got one either. He and I are of sound mind, I may be a bit of a bitch but I'm not that shallow! You want to be civilized about things, go through a lawyer.

The parade of men statement was about the guys you've told me you have had since the one in Jersey. 2 or 3 that I can recollect. The one in Jersey you were talking to me about was a good thing, at least I thought, the guy in Rochester, if you said anything about him it was just bragging about him buying you things, taking you to concerts and him spending the night with you ie: booty call. The other ones you never got too specific, granted I don't mind a little girl talk now and then but when you start telling me about positions that you like and how you like to be screwed, got me a little repulsed. Made me think that you were trying to gross me out for a reason. Me, I don't really care for that kind of stuff and I have told you that I never have, a few times, I get tired of repeating myself after a time. I do regret one thing though...thinking that you still liked me as a friend and as a "so close they could be" but I was never more wrong if you could result to putting words into other people's mouths just to call me names. That's why I said get over yourself. Sorry sweetie, you are not Queen of me! I'm glad you are getting help, I hope you move on from the delusions you have made for yourself.

Good Bye For Good,
Raven

PS: This is the last blog I will ever write about you..... NYS does prosecute against internet harassment  and if I have had enough and have stumbled upon another dealing with me I can print them and go against you in court...... Have nice day!

This wonderer has stopped wondering

Feeling a hundred percent better. Some situations resolved, one that's not even worth trying to repair and liking the new more comfortable me. That's right I'm coming back to myself, don't believe me? Look I'm no longer following you aren't I? That's right......you aren't worth the trauma, and me thinks that you just lost any possibility of me "begging, admitting you're right and I'm wrong, or just giving in so I can have you back as a friend" I'm not that person anymore. Giving you the chance to explain and you just giving me a bullshit repeat, "the same Ole song and dance" as you would say. I don't care about people that can't come to terms with their own mental issues. The "I've gotten help in the past, or the, I'm the victim" when you can't provide solid evidence to prove it!

The name calling is getting old, I've talked to one of your ex's FLM.... ring a bell? With the line of men you've put yourself out for just to scratch and itch, makes me wonder if there is a slim change that the "call off your dog" statement is just your way of telling me that I'm ugly? Hmm..... let me think, yeah it sounds about right to me. Never once have I ever heard *reddie call me Rufus, he's known me all his life and he knows I'd do something about that bull, I didn't stand for it then and I sure as hell don't stand for it now! SO I'M NOT SORRY FOR ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU KEEP PULLING THIS SHIT! Grow Up Beth! And for CHRIST'S SAKE GET A LIFE AND GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!

Finding understanding in interesting spaces

I received a big sigh of relief this morning talking to an old friend. Knowing now that things are better between her and I means a great deal. While other friendships have bit the dust, literally, I have no patience for the fearful or the deranged. I have lived in fear, of myself for one. Afraid of what I say to others, if it will ruffle their feathers or make them instant friends, the latter being my fear. Welcoming new friends I'm good at. Keeping them sometimes is hard. While I love meeting new people this is my drawback at times. Wanting to impress people but not wanting their criticism or unwanted banter. I am very selective of the people I call best friend. Having only one that's really stuck by me, we've had our ups and downs too don't get me wrong, that's been what helps keep my mind open to new and interesting people. Seeing her and talking to her while away from my friends and home town have really kept my spirits up. One day we will have to get all the kids together and have a fun filled day!

Not knowing where things are

Finding the right road is difficult, things don't always fall into the right places when we want them to. Seldom when those things disappear before we can fully examine them makes our sight a touch unclear. For me this happens a lot. Trying to find the right road/direction can be a bit misleading. When that sign finally surfaces and the direction becomes clear them I wait for myself to fully understand it before moving on. This road is still quite unclear and it makes me wonder if it's even the right road to be on.

Coming across the right clues are getting harder to come by. My friends that I once held dear are disappearing before I can say boo. Making amends is never easy, considering that not all of the tribulation is my doing. When that finally comes around I will be ready to talk or be ready to accept the final blow. Resting is all I'm doing now. To think that I used to be the one that people relied on, now I'm just relying on time.

Times are changing

There are times when I just start saying that I DON"T GIVE A RATS ASS ABOUT PEOPLE THAT SHIT ON ME! They want to act like they are in high school go for it, if you do it around me expect to be told that you are acting like a 15 year old. I'm tired of being someone else's scapegoat. The person you should blame is yourself for your own problems. I'm sorry that I could have warned you and didn't. I had just screwed up 6 months before trying to give the heads up about something and it backfired. I wasn't about to go through it again with someone that I thought was a sister. We lost touch for a few years, I didn't think that those kind of things would happen to you during that time. If I had known I would have gone and found you.

There are many things that I regret doing. Saying what I said I regret. Unfortunately some of it needed to be said.  People can only take so much and being your excuse for not trying to confront your problems to become stronger, well if that's not the job of a best friend then what is? Learning to get over the pain inflicted is the first step to recovery. I should know I've been through hell too! Pushing away the people that are trying to help you is a definite sign of deepening depression or psychosis. Want the web address for a reference? I will add it at the end of the blog if you like.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/top-10-signs-of-depression/ and here's a book on overcoming fear. It's a review and I have read this book it's a great way to come to terms with a ruling fear!
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/the-solution-conquer-your-fear-control-your-future/

But for you to treat me the way you did, I saw it coming. I knew if I said anything that it would bite me in the ass, it did. Well you know what? I might not be mad at you, just your actions like blogging about me instead of writing me an email or let's say, saying it to my face. I'm not the one that can do no wrong, that makes you look like you are the only one that's wrong in my eyes. To tell you how I feel, I am the one in YOUR eyes that can do no right! You are always correcting me about something and needing to have the last word on subjects. Like the joke about your ex, I caught it and dropped the subject.......you are the one that kept going on about it. NOT ME! So like I said get your head out of your ass and come back to reality dear, cause you just landed on PLUTO!

Time to find out WTH?

I've been called a lot of things in my life, but backstabbing has never one that my ears have heard directly. Always through other's blogs or writings of sorts. No one has ever had the courage to tell me to my face. That makes me feel like they are the backstabber and not the other way around. 


To call a person a backstabber they would have done something so horrible ie: turning a person over to a hungry pack of wolves so-to-speak. I have never intentionally done such a thing. If that person were to tell me why they think that I would listen. To attack and not give names of people that have harmed them is another form of cowardice. I asked for names to right the wrong. Those names never came! Never did I INTENSIONALLY try to harm you through another. I wish that you would talk to me or give me a reason for this treatment. You blog about how you see things, did you ever once mention the text that you sent to me? I never saw it. let me remind you that on March 25th 2011 you sent me three text's the first one started out "I'm not wanting to answer my phone for anyone right now and for you not likely in the near future. I'm done with this...." If I had known what would happen (so you say) I would have never brought anything on that subject up! 


To continue, I have not NOR ever claimed to be a psychologist! You labeled me that. I was giving advice that had been given to me BY YOU! and you are in school for this field. So I could truly reverse the comment made to me by you, but you know what? I'm not that kind of person. A person that gives tough love tries to make the realization that you need some type of help at that moment. You my dear may want to try someone out here in this county! The former county that you lived in the resources that you had were limited and I know that for a fact. The counselors down there don't care anything about the patients, just the money they get from the state. I know I've been to a few there. Me saying that I was also a battered spouse was not to get sympathy nor me telling you my son was out of the question. I keep him from the people that he can pick up on emotional wise. He is showing signs of autism and he's really getting me worried. He freaks out at the slightest emotional bereft lately. I lived in abuse from 2003-2008 sound about the same amount as you? Try dating a guy that physically abused you and emotionally abused you for 13 years! Then come talk to me. I was under the age of 18 when we got physically involved. Can you say he "groomed" me? Pedophile that's what I married and that's not my fault either. He actually tried to go after my adopted sister after I left him, she's just turned 22! That's not a factor to you so I don't think that matters. Let me know how this can be resolved. I do care but I do, do tough love. That's how I was raised!